This year, as challenging as it is, I am trying to be content with what I have now. Not, things I wish I had or things I used to have. I don't want my joy to be dependent on things that we're not given to me.
It is painful everytime I see Carson linger behind in his walker while other children run past, it's painful to watch him struggle through a task that would take others only seconds to do, and it's painful to worry about his future. But the greatest pain I feel comes when I find myself wishing and wanting things for him that simply are not for us. This is a dangerous rut that seems to hibernate in depths of myself somewhere and there are days when it all but consumes me. There are days when I just feel bitter and sick of Carson having to be the underdog all the time. There are days when everything just seems unfair. Those days are painful but also self-inflicted. Choosing joy means that I choose to see the gifts that have been given. And Carson is very gifted.
Carson's life has given me so much joy. It is the single most important and significant gift I have ever been given. And although his life meant new fears and new territories for me, God has also given me gifts that I could have never imagined. Choosing joy in our family means that we will never let the gifts that weren't given overshaddow the abundant ones God has given us today.