watch & wait & worry

A few days ago it was finally time to discuss the MRI results and go over Carson's symptoms with his neurosurgeon. I was extremely anxious for this appointment. I had no idea if his doctor would recommend scheduling a surgery, or if he would want to just watch and wait.

Thankfully his neurosurgeon is very conservative when it comes to operations and he was content to watch and wait. While we are relieved that we don't have to schedule a surgery, it's hard watching and waiting for things to get worse. Carson's bladder/bowel issues have resumed back to normal but if they change again we need to do more testing. And of course tonight we saw a minor change again (many of you know the inner dialogue: is this the start of a UTI or is this something else?) I'm guess I'm struggling a little bit. I want to celebrate the fact that we have no surgeries on the calendar but at the same time I'm too anxious because I'm watching for symptoms to happen that could mean surgery. Symptoms that are important to catch early on.

These anxious feelings are reminding me of Carson's first year of life where everything felt uncertain and there was a lot of watching and waiting. I have been frustrated many times thinking about the first year because looking back I feel like I "worried away" his baby years. Months later here I am again worrying!

So here I am learning the same lesson again. Worrying does not make it better, I'm not in control, God knows what we need, He is in control, His love never fails. Carson is a blessing and his life was meant to be enjoyed and I cannot let fear hold me back.